Sleeping with…

Latent within adult sex acts is the childhood wish to be in the same bed as the parent, to possess them by being with them.

Dear Readers,

If you believe in the value of quality writing and the importance of creating a space for curiosity, critical thought, and meaningful dialogue, your subscription makes that possible.

Join as a paid subscriber to help build a community that values ideas, reflection, and the exploration of what it means to be human.

In my last Substack, I looked at some common myths and misconceptions about sleep and what it should be. Sleep hygienists are forever promoting idealised depictions of a restful night, and the more we fail to achieve these, the worse we feel—and the more sleep-aid products we are incentivised to buy. Having more realistic expectations can be helpful, although this might be bad news for the sleep-aid industry.

It is worth remembering that sleep aids, in fact, have always existed—from our earliest soothing teddies and stuffed toys to the parents who read to us, sang to us, and made us feel safe enough to drift into sleep. The common sleep disturbances we find in later childhood and early adolescence are often linked to this: as parents become less involved in putting their children to bed, a void is created that can generate anxiety. Phones and tablets may offer compensation, a way of filling this void, but their use at bedtime then tends to make sleep even more difficult.

It can’t be easy to dispense with parents altogether at bedtime, even if the child is consciously determined to do so. And there is a powerful link with sexuality here. It has often been observed that reading to a child and generally engaging in their bedtime routines can act as a kind of barrier to both anxiety and arousal, tempering them, and allowing for the processing of difficult thoughts, as well as blocking more obvious autoerotic activities. The presence of a parent, after all, usually means that self-touching will be delayed or discontinued.

But there is another key motif here that shapes both child and adult sexuality. When we say that we’ve slept with someone, it actually means the opposite: we didn’t sleep with them, but we stayed awake and had sex. “Sleeping with” serves as a polite euphemism, saving us from being too graphic. But it also conveys a deeper truth. When children begin to experience their first Oedipal strivings, the last thing they want to do is have sex with their chosen parent. More often, they want to replace the other parent in the bed, or to join both parents there.